August 30, 2011
My misses
When I’m at home, I have a routine at night. From 11:30 – 12:30, I would watch reruns of The Simpsons. After that I’d go to bed, not to sleep but to read. I read for an hour or so (or however long it takes me to feel my eyes dropping and finally admit defeat and go to sleep). Every so often, I would check my phone for emails, Facebook updates, Reddit posts, etc. Tonight was no different. The one thing different is what I’m doing now–blogging after I’ve read my share of the 7th book of Harry Potter (for the second time). I felt the urge to write this entry because of a friend of mine. He updated his status a couple of hours ago saying that maybe he doesn’t miss Stony Brook as much as he thought and that finally, he was moving on. This is quite the opposite of my own personal feelings. You see I still miss Stony Brook a lot. I miss the campus, the dorms, the lecture halls, the basketball courts, the food, and most of all, the people. I’ve missed it all summer long but tomorrow will mark the first September in four years when I will not be returning. Many of my younger friends have already returned and it has given me a great sense of envy. I urge them to cherish these precious moments for sooner than they know, they will be gone. But that’s besides the point of this entry. I commented on my friend’s post saying that missing something and moving on in my opinion, are two different things. His replies lead me to believe that he thinks that moving on would ultimately push the “missing” emotion of out one’s head as if the two were interchangeable. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what he believes but that is how I interpreted his responses. If that is in fact his beliefs, then I disagree.
You see, I believe that they are two different things – missing something and moving on from it. I commented: “missing something is admitting that it was a great part of you and you cherish it a lot. Whereas moving on is admitting that you can’t have it back but you’re willing to try and fill that void with something else, even though it will never be truly replaced”. Lately, I’ve been feeling like “moving on” is starting to become a theme in my life. I’ve been told that I have to start and move on from a lot of things, things I can never fully experience again or get back, things that I miss dearly. But I’ve been reluctant. I’ve been procrastinating and I’ve been unwilling. Deep down I know that it is mostly my fault and only I can help myself dig out of this hole. But I don’t think I’m ready yet. I see myself as a fairly mature person when I have to be, but not this time. I’ve been constantly pushing back something that I know is inevitable all because I’m a coward. I’m afraid to know what the future may bring. I’m afraid to lose my glimpse of hope that one day, everything will be OK and that even though I can’t get back what I’ve already lost, what the future brings will be better than anything I’ve experienced in the past. I refuse to believe that. I try to tell myself to, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. And somehow, I’m OK with that. Is it healthy? No. But it works for me in a weird way.
You see, I think on some level we all do it. We all hold on to something from the past because we want to cherish some sort of memory. No matter how brave we are, we all experience times when we are scared to lose sight of who we used to be or where we come from. Times change and people change, that’s just the way it works and I accept that. But I think that at some point in our lives, we’re going to feel happiest and most accomplished. And at that point, we’re going to hope we never change. But of course, we do – that’s just the way the world works. And all we can do is try to preserve something that’ll remind us in the future of what it use to be like in the past, something that’ll make us miss what we had and might never be able to get back. Afterall, that’s what yearbooks are for. That’s what pictures are for. That’s what hand-written letters and dollar-hearts, and post-it notes are for. That’s what this and other blogs are for! They are for reminding us of our pasts, both good times and bad. Because I truly believe that it is perfectly fine for us to miss our pasts because they make us who we are today. How we choose to preserve and “move on” from them will make us who we are for the rest of our lives.
